Q&A
You asked & I (finally) answered. From Instagram.
Looking for advice on a co-parenting schedule. I never asked to be away from my daughter and am struggling.
Obviously my heart is with you and breaking for you. No (good) mom ever asked for this. This was never the life we imagined or dreamed of. The day you found out you were pregnant or the day you held your daughter for the first time, you would have never imagined your days would feel like this right now. I get it.
I don’t know the laws/ court system where you live, but unfortunately in my county it is VERY had to get more than 50% if your ex doesn’t want less. And by hard, I mean I would have had to have very thorough evidence of physical abuse towards the kids, or very clear evidence that there was drug or alcohol abuse.
If you can fight for more time, and you think it’s the right thing to do, obviously I say go for it.
As far as your new alone time … there’s nothing you can do to change the circumstance, so unfortunately I’m going to tell you to embrace it. Enjoy the alone time and then *double* enjoy the time with your daughter.
When you and your ex get into it, is it typically about time with the boys or what else?
No! Because it’s very clear that we have a 50/50 schedule with 2-2-3 days.
I don’t even know if I can summarize what our arguments are about. Sometimes it’s about how we interpret the Parenting Plan, which is a legal document that unfortunately is written in a way that is not very black and white. We also argue about how we raise the kids/ what each of us deems as “the right way to handle something.” We argue about money. We argue about how he doesn’t know boundaries. We argue about how the rules only apply to me and not to him.
Tips on putting together a date night outfit for a divorced late 30s mom of two?
I’m a big proponent of wearing what YOU feel confident in. Guys are ALWAYS attracted to confidence. If you’re wearing something you feel self-consious or uncomfortable in, it’s going to show!
I also think basics are so sexy. Jeans and a t-shirt spruced up with some jewelry, a belt, a bag and heels… always a winning combo in my book.
What do you do for work?
I work in commercial real estate insurance. I’ve been with my company now for 15 years which is kind of mind blowing.
I'm so grateful I worked throughout my marriage and never quit. Trust me, I thought I was going to quit and be a stay at home mom for years, but I powered through in misery (a weird dynamic in my marriage, but I’ll get into that another time) and I’m so glad I did. Once again, I’m a firm believer in everything happening for a reason.
My company went fully remote post pandemic and I literally could not be happier. I get to do every school drop off and pick up, it’s a working moms dream.
Nerves around being physical with someone new after having been with another for so long.
RELATABLE. Espcieally because I’m tending to go out with younger guys! I get super self-conscious because these guys could be with a 25 year old girl, but they’re talking to or hooking up with a 40 year old?!
A couple times I’ve made a joke before about taking the next step with them, asking if they’ve ever slept with someone that’s had kids, which then prompts them to ask me why I’m asking. And then I can explain that my body looks different than it used to!
Hi hello I pushed two children out of my hoo-ha and breastfed both. I don’t look like I’m 25.
But then on the other hand, I also remind myself, if they wanted to be with someone younger they would!
These people are talking to you because they like you! Inside and out. Wink wink.
How soon after telling your ex you wanted a divorce did you move out?
Felt like eternity, but it was actually 11 months.
Where are you from? What’s your fam like?
I’m originally from Kansas City! I lived there until I was 18, then moved to San Diego, San Francisco, Atlanta .. and I’ve been in Chicago for 10+ years now.
I love my family and we’re very close. My mom lives here in Chicago now, and then I have a sister in San Francisco and a sister in Atlanta.
My dad and I are unfortunately not very close, but we do keep in touch.
(My parents got divorced when I was an adult)
Can you talk about your parenting plan?
What do you want to know? That it’s hell on earth? hahahaha just kidding.
What happened with mutual friends of yours and your ex?
This question would imply he had friends and/or I was allowed to have a social life while married.
Both are incorrect statements. And I am probably actually kind of lucky we didn’t have mutual friends? I always picture the wives taking sides and the husbands taking sides .. but then that gets weird when new relationships form? So IDK on this one!
I want to see more of your food choices!
I try to share a lot on stories, but I’ll keep them coming! Honestly, I eat so repetitively that I think it’s silly. I know it’s weird, I can eat the same breakfast, lunch and dinner for a month straight.
I’ll be okay one day.
JK I’ve literally been like this since college.
Why is your ex so difficult? I feel like he is always trying to hurt and anger you. Triggered because you left him?
Question of the year!!!!!!!!!!
Yea, I think a lot plays into this. I hope one day he finds peace and happiness with it, but for now I’ll be the front of all his life’s anger.
I think mainly it’s because he thinks I ruined his image and a divorce doesn’t sound good for his “reputation.”
The more sympathy I have towards him (I have some theories in my head about why he’s always acted the way he does) the more I let go and don’t fight back. Hurt people hurt people.
Same type of co-parenting situation What has helped you the most manage emotions?
It sucks to be in the emotional state. I still feel the depths of it and then have to (and want to) put on a happy face around my kids.
I love doing more of the things that make me happy when I’m alone: walking, journaling, having a set routine, meditating, reading, watching good TV shows and movies, blasting music and dancing, talking and venting with friends or family.
I need tips for going into mediation in 10 days. High conflict. 3 kids.
Be prepared for the worst. That’s all you can do. Mediation was the most awkward/ scary/ intimidating thing for me.
Ours was exactly how they portray it in movies. Me in one conference room with my attorney, he with his in another, and the mediator walking back and forth.
I also pride myself in being a good mom, and he picked the most random examples of how horrible of a mom I am and the attorneys had to sit through it all. I was so pissed at one point I slammed my fist on the table.
I do believe that’s when he said I was an unfit mother because I serve my kids frozen pancakes for breakfast.
And then a few minutes later he called me an alcoholic.
That was a fun day.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOURS!
jk babe, stay strong, stay calm. Hopefully you can do something after to distract yourself. Go to dinner with a friend if you can.
What’s the most effective supplement you’ve taken?
I feel like I take 10 all the sudden. But most you have no idea if they’re working or doing anything. haha. PS: all have come recommended by my two doctors. So get your bloodwork done and see what you need!
The Arrae one I take is an all natural supplement that boosts your metabolism though, and that my friend, I can tell is working and highly recommend. Linked on IG.
What’s your favorite book?
What’s a book?
Kidding kidding, I haven’t read anything in a while. I was just thinking to myself I want to re-read Glennon Doyle’s Untamed. I haven’t read that in a few years and I still often think of parts from it.
What do you wish you would have known about co-parenting before you had to co-parent?
I wish I would have realized that your ex isn’t going to change at all. And things will probably be worse than they were in the marriage.
Is he a bad communicator? Yea that’s probably going to get worse.
Is he verbally abusive? Yea that’s probably going to get worse.
Does he not have a soul? Yea he’ll probably have less of one.
Is he not a good parent? Yea he’ll still be the same.
How to be respectful to your co-parent when you really just want to *!@#$#@ ?
I just keep my mouth shut. Seriously, I muster what I want to say, or I type it and then delete it.
As corny and disgusting as this sounds… my kids will always come first, and if I know he’s going to use anything against me to harm them, it stops me.
How is dating? Any updates?
Ugh, no, I wish. I swear it’s like I’m talking to three guys at once or no one at all. Right now it’s the latter.
Trust, you’ll be the first to know.
The apps are just boring right now, no good catches. And meet someone IRL? howwwww howw how?
That’s all for now! That was fun though. Let’s do this again soon, shall we?
XO